goodnight

what an awful day. and an awful night. let tomorrow please be better

Best laid plans...

went to see Sharmila today...I never really know what to expect with her. Sometimes she tears me down to the ground and sometimes I feel like I'm the smartest undergrad in the department. So unpredictable.

Today was one of the good days, she spent an hour making an outline for me and picking my brain, I didn't realize how much work I'd done and how much I knew until she started asking questions. So that was really encouraging, I have a good road map now for what I need to start writing....

but oh my god it is going to be so, so much work. Leaving the office I felt so happy and by the time I got home I felt like a flattened pancake. :(

Anyway, I'm just going to keep drinking tea with honey and start gettin' to work. Once I get started I know it won't feel so bad. :) I might take all my crap to Fanni's room and study with her, her room is so pleasant and so is her company. :}

Ana and I are going to get *ahem* waxed. I'm a little nervous, it'll probably hurt like a bitch. We might have to hold hands when they do it. lol!

n
xoxo

Skeleton Woman

"If it is love we are making, even though we are apprehensive or frightened, we are willing to untangle the bones of the Death nature. We are willing to see how it all goes together. We are willing to touch the not-beautiful in another, and in ourselves." - Women Who Run With the Wolves

This book has impacted my life so much, I feel warm and brave and calm whenever I read it. It's messages just seem so right.

-N

Lake House!

I'm sitting at the lake house sipping some coffee and watching the crisp morning sun get hidden behind some rain clouds. I love being here. I built a nice fire last night and Ana, Christy and I watched this really boring western movie. Oh well.

I would really really like a break from school. Usually I really enjoy it, but last night I started freaking out while I was laying in bed. I was thinking about the Honors Colloquium, I'm going to have to give a 15-20 minute presentation about my thesis to faculty members and grad. students. I am so so afraid of public speaking, I wish I wasn't, but oh my gosh I am. I started feeling sick just thinking about it. But then I thought you know I'm going to have 20 minutes of my life in misery up there, I might as well not add any more time to that experience by thinking about it now!!

I'm going to go watch the rain blow in. :)
xoxo

Looking at Texas Property again...

Oh it makes me so happy to look at property with water running through it and loads of huge trees on it. I just imagine myself in a cozy little house that I've built for myself, quirky design and natural materials. A couple of dogs, a garden, maybe some chickens...it would be nice to have some one there to share it with me. But it sounds wonderful even if it was just me! I could watch storms come in and seasons change, I know it sounds idealistic and cheezy...but it feels so good to want something. To work for it. Part of me feels afraid of "settling down", that once I build a house somewhere I'll never leave it. But thats not true at all! There's nothing to keep me from traveling and even if I wanted to live somewhere else for a while, I bet I could find a friend in need of a break that would be happy to live in my lovely little cottage for a bit. :)

I need to let go of the fear that I will make the "wrong" decision and then I'll be stuck with it. I just want to enjoy what comes to me and work towards the things I think I would like, there's nothing wrong with changing plans somewhere along the way...

<3

The good and the bad...

Woke up late for work today! It was so embarrising, but when I got to the Green's house they were just waking up and getting coffee, so I think it was fine. :)

I found out that the Liberal Arts department is giving me $200 to cover my research expenses! Which is really nice, cause I had already sort of budgeted the money and counted it as gone...so it feels like I'm just getting some free money. yayy!

I'm so so so ready to move into an apartment. Community living is getting to me, bad. Maybe its just the community. I really think that co-op living is a great opportunity and I'm so glad it exists! But I've spent two and a half years in co-ops and I'm starting to see only the negatives. I think it's time for me to move onto an environment that allows me a little more independence and privacy. I know there are lots of things I will miss about it though, once I'm gone...

I'm also excited about throwing some kick ass parties at my own place. And inviting only the people I want to see.(there's always so so many people that just show up to things when you live in a coop! People think every event is an open invitation. uhg)

So, there's my co-op rant. Oh! Not to mention a lot of people helping themselves to any food item, makeup item, expendible resource they feel like! Interesting how those people are never the ones offering to share their stuff.....hmmm...

Ok, I really am done. This is just too easy. hehehe Sometimes you just gotta get it out!

I'm feeling really good lately, I went and bought a cute little dress and some new sexy undies. I didn't realize how much I beat myself up about wanting to look nice! I'm just so paranoid about being superficial sometimes, but man it feels good to look good sometimes. :P Ana always helps me so much, just when I feel like I'm stuck being a certain way, she reminds me I can change! It's so simple, but so easy to forget.

Time to get shit done, love love love! <3

Monday and studdyyiiinnnggg

Sort of. I finally wrote my first "Think Piece" for Surveillance and Social Control. I'm supposed to be doing this forum online where I respond to articles and stuff, but I only have to write 5 times for the semester so I've been putting it off.

Lovely Regina Spekter



I'm thinking about buying a car....if I did, I keep thinking station wagon...it just sounds really good...



that's all i got for tonight...

<3

Cob Building Workshop in Mexico

http://housealive.org/descriptions/zipolite-2010

I am seriously considering doing this, if I can get the money together and make sure it's not financially irresponsible. But I think it should work, I'm going to go finalize what classes I need to take to graduate so I can see how much it will cost, estimate how much rent and food for spring will take, and thats about it. I know I'll be working in the spring as well, so I won't just be relying on financial aid. I really think its do-able. I am so excited. Holy crap. This seems like such a wonderful and empowering skill to have!

<3

!!!!

Ana and Mama are coming home today!!! 10 days was waaay too long to not talk with them, I've missed them so much.

I'm so excited!! <3

woah...

haha why does this look familiar!? it looks like 6th st girls hehe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWjNFC-FinU&videos=zIb2OWjqki4&playnext_from=TL&playnext=1

I should be studying....

http://housealive.org/wpg2?g2_itemId=680

but I got on this kick of looking through cobb/natural housing online. It happens from time to time, I've thought for a while that it is something I'd like to do in my life, settle down in a little cottage that I built for myself on a big piece of land. But I guess as I'm getting closer to graduating I'm starting to think about it more...I mean, I could actually do this. It makes me so excited just to think about it!

http://www.greenhomebuilding.com/

Buuut, I also want to go to grad school, travel, live in new places...when is the right time? I'll probably know when I get there, now I should just be studying for my Population and Society exam on Monday...its just more fun to live in the future at the moment.

http://www.simondale.net/house/index.htm

ok, I've got to get back on this school stuff, I'm going a little crazy with this building idea, I even started looking at real estate in Texas. hehe

back to demographic trends...joy....

cool weather

"The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning" -Michel Foucault

This cool weather is reminding me that I need to let myself change. I get obsessed with being "consistent" above all else. And in some cases there is something to be said for being predictable and having a cohesive outlook, but I want to avoid letting it define me! I guess for me it comes down to living in the present and not projecting my past into my future, just because an idea made sense to me once doesn't mean it will the next time I look at it, I need to hold my ideals loosely enough to let them evolve when they need to. Or anything, people, habits, places...there's nothing more miserable for me than trying to hold onto something that is moving away.

For example, I've come to think of myself as very sociable and not shy, but lately socializing with people I don't know seems incredibly unattractive. I can either define this new behavior as me "not being myself", because myself IS social, or I can let myself change....so I liked talking to new people, right now I don't, perhaps later I will....

It's just so hard not to pin things down! I want to describe myself and have this identity that others can recognize like friendly, hardworking, artistic...whatever...but the truth is those are just things I've done in the past, there's no telling if I'll be artistic in the future! But the pressure can make me feel closed in, like if I'm not then I'm not myself...I'm "sick" or acting "abnormally" in some way...


Not sure how to sum up that ramble...I'm at home in Temple with a cup of tea listening to music and about to take a nap. yes.

Happy weekend :}

i can feel it....

i am really liking the Sia Pandora station right now. Lots of sappy female singer songwriters. mm love it. :P

Speaking on females and being sappy, I was thinking about how many close female friendships that have suffered a lot or completely fallen apart because of a boyfriend. girls just kind of vanish when they get boyfriends. I don't feel like it was a bitter realization, more like shocking. I just started listing people in my mind, people I've known over the last few years. Almost every friendship that ended or faded out usually started with the entrance of a partner. I know I've done it too, you only have so many hours in a day so of course your time gets divided up among your relationships.

Anyway. The surveys are OUT. Hell ya. I think I'm going to take a nap in celebration lol. it seems appropriate