Gone are the days of feeling grown up. Feeling like an important student researcher on the brink of uncovering a unique niche of social knowledge to be cleanly presented to a very impressed faculty panel. Excitement, energy, self confidence, satisfaction.
No, no...
It feels like a piece of dead weight from an old life that I can't wait to get out of. Its a symbol of competition and worry that I will never be good enough, evidence of my inability to complete things and achieve things, evidence that this whole foray into academia was just a sham and that I never had the brains to do anything significant.
Sitting in a coffee shop looking out at the Minnesota snow! This weekend has been so incredible. I've gone out to awesome restaurants, a jazz concert in the twin cities, had breakfast in bed, made snow angels, went snow tubing, ice skated outside after drinking wine...and the best part is I got to do all of it with an amazing girl. It's so surreal to have her in my life now, I'm so happy. I've been happy all weekend.
Man its hard to describe this experience. I feel really really lucky. I could probably write pages. But I have plenty of time for that. :]
I can't believe that at this time two days from now I'll be driving in a car in Minnesota, seeing a snow covered city for the first time, with someone I'm meeting for the first time. I'm not sure I've ever been so excited to meet anyone. It's going to be sort of the opposite of going to Mexico, I'm leaving a fairly warm climate and walking out of the airport into hell frozen over. It's going to be such a shock and I am so so ready for it! Except that I have absolutely no clothing suitable for that kind of cold.
I've never had a valentine before, until this year. :] I must say, it makes the holiday feel quite a bit different. I've never gotten flowers either, its kind of an overwhelming happy feeling when I look at them. She has good taste.
Its been an awesome weekend, on Friday my mom and I went down to Austin and....*drumroll*....I bought a car!!! Yes yes, an adorable little Scion xb. I'm completely in love with it.
It's so awesome to have a car, man, I can't get over it. hehe
I'm really struggling today. Studying for nutrition, finishing my thesis from last semester, finding a job, working on the BDP project, gah I don't want to be doing this! In my mind I know that all of my surroundings have nothing to do with my happiness, that I can be content regardless of any circumstances...but...
I have all these nice day dreams, I'd like to be working on my house out in the middle of a beautiful country. Days blending into each other marked by sunrises and sunsets, everyday waking up and working hard mixing mud and building walls, working in a huge garden and taking care of animals.
Or I imagine spending time with someone really cool that I've been getting to know lately. Going to restaurants, dancing, watching movies, talking, enjoying the winter...and then I remember that I am supposed to go to a BDP check-in for spring research projects. Ew!
It's just hard to stay motivated, but I'm hangin' in there. :]
Christy and I were talking over coffee about rebellion. Both of us were talking about desires and decisions we had made that we worried were fueled by rebellion instead of a true authentic desire of ours. This idea has bothered me over and over, things that I am drawn to that are strange and off the beaten path, is that really me? Or is that my "rebellion". How could something that feels so good be a spiteful act of rule breaking. People who don't like my ideas or how I live say its rebellion. Are they right? Where does rebellion even come from?
And this thought struck me. "Rebellious" is a label that people use to control who you are and sanction or prohibit behaviors. To label someone else's desires as them "acting out" is attempt to make those desires illegitimate. Like saying "That's not really you....you don't really want this...you're just upset about *insert event*". For what ever reason, fear, jealousy, tradition, people use the term rebellion to tell another person who they are, what they REALLY want, and why what they THINK they want is not ok.
Liberation, for me, is letting go of other people's judgments of my actions. Letting go of the need to convince everyone that I am not rebellious, I'm not trying to get a reaction, pay someone back, make a point. I'm just trying to be happy and authentic.
I will never play by someone elses rules, and if people make them, they WILL be broken. I will never be what someone else wants me to be, if they try to force their expectations on me, they'll be disappointed.
If living this way pushes me to the fringe and makes me a freak, that's alright. I'd rather be in the circus than the suburbs. If people see me as wild, rebellious, un-respectable, perverted, unpatriotic, insane, strange, and sinful, well, that's all in their head and they can think that. But they're the ones making the labels...I don't even know what those words mean.
I'm just being myself.
It only strengthens my vision of what I want for myself and those around me. I picture a house, built by my own hands, that embodies independence and authenticity. Where people can be themselves, how ever different that is from everyone else. Where anyone can express their inner artist, musician, and poet without censure. NO idea will be too scary for discussion. No past experience too dark to be shared with others. Nothing too shocking to be appropriate. People without rhythm will dance and people without pitch will sing.
People will know that they are truly loved and accepted. Just. As. They. Are. I know I'm describing a utopian place. But these ideas fuel me and shape me. They make me feel alive and electric. I want so much to break out of the needless rules society has evolved that keep people feeling separate and afraid.
It's my vision. While I'm on my way, I will practice loving myself and those around me as fully as I can.
-N
This song reminds that there's nothing to be scared of.
Christy and I drank coffee and listened to The Land Before Time soundtrack this morning. It was so nice, I still think the music to that movie is beautiful!
I admit, that was a weird post last night. I was feeling kind of judged, but at the same time the situation seemed comical so I did some creative writing ;) as an outlet.
Its just signs of the times...just goin' to hell in a hand basket...
too many things that go........................BUMP..................in the night
all the skeletons in the closet, the hands waiting to reach out from under the bed...
don't do that! or the boogie man might get you!!...
And I guess I'm just a happy resident of Halloween town. If other folks find it spooky, well I guess they just aren't from around here. We ghost, ghouls, goblins and other creepers really like the place, but its not for everyone. Take a hop down the path to Christmas town, it might be more your style.
It's weird to feel lost in a city that is so familiar. I know exactly where I am, just not exactly sure what I'm doing here. I found my class, but didn't find parking...but I'll get another chance! My next class is in about 8 hours. Maybe I'll get parking for that one.
I'm not in a terrible mood, a bit disoriented and sarcastic. I need to watch "The Graduate". heh. I just feel like I'm in limbo, waiting for a chain of events to occur and having no power to speed them up. I want to get a job, thats a big desire of mine...but before job I need a car...before the car I need to get my financial aid in...have absolutely no control over financial aid bureaucrats who have delayed my money. Not that I blame any one individual...but they held my money so long that it got sent back to the lender...who now has to re-lend it...then they have to send it to me. Its such a circus!
Ah, I'm feeling better already. :) I still have no idea what I'm going to do for 8 hours in Austin by myself. I'll start by chilling here at Flightpath, armed with my laptop (with wireless, hell ya!), cell phone, books and a chai tea. Yes, I would prefer to have someone here with me, but I'm going to make the best of this day of laziness in the city.
-N p.s. This is most likely not the last post for the day.
