My life is unfolding as it should...

I've been struggling the last few days. Having a nasty cold hasn't helped my discouragement over not having a lot of luck with job hunting. And by not a lot of luck I mean more like no luck. I've applied for over 2o jobs and heard nothing. So I've been a little down about that...worrying that I won't be able to pay my loans back when the payments start...beating myself up for spending money...feeling humiliated remembering the concerned inquiries about just what sort of job i'd find with a sociology major...so many things that just leave me feeling crappy about myself and my life decisions...

But all things change... and today I've been trying to unplug from the net.(here I am blogging...hehe) So I did some dishes, meditated and did a little light exercise. I'm starting to get over my cold as well. But best of all, I'm starting to realize that I don't have to beat myself up about things in order for my life to go well. No matter how many self deprecating thoughts I think...its not going to bring me the job I want. I will find a job eventually, and even if I don't, things will be ok. No matter how bad it gets, it will be ok. Many of the monks and holy people of the old days lived like what we think of as "homeless" people...and I'm sure they reached points of enlightenment that I, in all my plush luxuries, could hardly imagine.

I don't intend to lie on someones couch until my bank account is empty and I'm kicked out on the street...I'm going to work very hard for what I want. I'm just saying, that really whatever place and state I am in will be ok in the end. And that makes me feel better. There is a silver lining to everything.

I am really loving being here with Emily. Minnesota is a fun place to explore. I think maybe all this newness is bringing up lots of scariness as well...some little defense mechanisms of my psyche trying to coax me back to the familiar...but I want to press on!

I have little pictures in my mind of things I want. I want to work in a job that I find peaceful, that I feel is moral and benefits myself as well as others. I don't want to make a profit to the detriment of someone else. I want to be able to express myself at work, I don't want to be afraid to show piercings or tattoos or worry I'll be treated unfairly at my job because of who I'm dating. Not a lot to ask right? lol, It is a lot....but I don't think that means its too much. And some day, some glorious day I'll have my feet in the mud and my head under the sun and I'll start building my dream home. A love home, full of mistakes and things that work better than they look...a home that some people wont get (I've found that some kinds of love is like that too)...a home that doesn't hurt anyone or take away from other creatures...a love home :]

Alright...I have no plans...we'll see what this world brings next.
-Nicole
xoxo