Home again home again....

One huge adventure is behind me. Now I'm home resting and playing with my family, it so nice to be here again! But I'm also waiting, waiting for the next thing. I'm thinking/planning that it will be graduate school, but it's not here yet and I really have nothing left to do. When I'm busy with school or work or something, when I'm right in the middle of it I tend to think "I just want a break!". I have a list of activities in my head that I would do if I had a "break", but when it comes down to it, breaks have their challenges too. Lack of structure and responsibility, without those things it can be pretty hard for me to get motivated!

I'm going to try to recognize that the things I was working on have come to an end and I'm not sure what I'll be working on in the future...but right now I need to sit and be calm and enjoy the things around me. :)

Winter Update

A lot has happened since I last updated. Some hard things, wonderful things, boring things and first time things!

1. Moved from Texas to Minneapolis, Minnesota.

2. Worked full time for Wells Fargo for 4 1/2 months.

3. Finished my undergraduate degree online.

4. Adopted a rescue dog and eventually had him put to sleep due to human and dog aggression. Worst experience.

5. Saw the season change from summer, to fall colors, to winter wonderland.

6. Got into graduate school at Hamline University for the Master's in Business Administration and Nonprofit Management dual degree program! Starting in January. :]

Wow, I'm sitting here in Caribou coffee waiting for Emily to finish class. Over the last year I have spent a lot of "in-between-time" here. Even though it's surrounded by a less than picturesque shopping mall and a busy small town street...I find it a very soulful and inspiring place. It's a place where I've made new plans and struggled with the responsibility of creating my own life. An in between place.

I constantly forget that even things that are well worth doing have to be started over and over again. When I first starting reading "Women who Run with the Wolves" I thought I would read it all the way through! But I'm still working on it a year and a half later. When I came back from the Vipassana retreat, I was convinced I would meditate two hours daily. I struggle to meditate an hour a month. Total. But that's the thing. I'm afraid to pick up the book, afraid to try to meditate because I might fail to incorporate it into my life again. I want to see each minute of meditation as "worth it" whether I make it a routine or if I forget to do it for weeks. The task of "forming a habit" is so intimidating that I fail to realize it's just one thing....then doing that one thing again and again....but for now it's still just one thing.

So, that is my thought at the moment. <3
-N

...

taking time to ponder my love...some quotes...

Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love; it is the faithless who know love's tragedies.
Oscar Wilde


We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
Marie E. Eschenbach

Where there is love, there is pain.

Spanish Proverb


Somehow I thought I wasn't going to get hurt, I don't know why I thought that. I know this pain has a purpose, it has a message. I'm going to take the time to hear what it has to say and find some clarity.

Tattoos

Here are some tattoos that I really like...

A month in Minnesota!

I can't believe I've been here in Minnesota so long! It's starting to feel more familiar...like a place I could live. It's so weird though! It makes me feel really free.

I miss my family everyday...they really are my best friends.

My daily activities consist of....
1. Job search
This usually involves emailing atleast 5 resumes/covers letters per day to jobs found on craigslist and Minneapolis Star Tribune.
2. Apartment Hunt
More craigslist. This is a more recent addition since I needed a job first. I have one job, but I'm still keeping my eye out for something better.
3. Paint at Emily's old apartment.
Emily was supposed to do a bunch of housework for her landlady before she moved out, so I am helping by painting. She is paying on two different places, working, going to school, driving me places...I'm glad I can do something to help her out! (Plus I love home improvement stuff! :P)
4. Trying to figure out when/how to graduate
This has been super frustrating/scary. I'm still trying to figure out what I can take in TX and what I could take here in MN. Yikes.
5. Doing fun stuff with Emily like exploring Minneapolis! I love it!

xoxo
n

My life is unfolding as it should...

I've been struggling the last few days. Having a nasty cold hasn't helped my discouragement over not having a lot of luck with job hunting. And by not a lot of luck I mean more like no luck. I've applied for over 2o jobs and heard nothing. So I've been a little down about that...worrying that I won't be able to pay my loans back when the payments start...beating myself up for spending money...feeling humiliated remembering the concerned inquiries about just what sort of job i'd find with a sociology major...so many things that just leave me feeling crappy about myself and my life decisions...

But all things change... and today I've been trying to unplug from the net.(here I am blogging...hehe) So I did some dishes, meditated and did a little light exercise. I'm starting to get over my cold as well. But best of all, I'm starting to realize that I don't have to beat myself up about things in order for my life to go well. No matter how many self deprecating thoughts I think...its not going to bring me the job I want. I will find a job eventually, and even if I don't, things will be ok. No matter how bad it gets, it will be ok. Many of the monks and holy people of the old days lived like what we think of as "homeless" people...and I'm sure they reached points of enlightenment that I, in all my plush luxuries, could hardly imagine.

I don't intend to lie on someones couch until my bank account is empty and I'm kicked out on the street...I'm going to work very hard for what I want. I'm just saying, that really whatever place and state I am in will be ok in the end. And that makes me feel better. There is a silver lining to everything.

I am really loving being here with Emily. Minnesota is a fun place to explore. I think maybe all this newness is bringing up lots of scariness as well...some little defense mechanisms of my psyche trying to coax me back to the familiar...but I want to press on!

I have little pictures in my mind of things I want. I want to work in a job that I find peaceful, that I feel is moral and benefits myself as well as others. I don't want to make a profit to the detriment of someone else. I want to be able to express myself at work, I don't want to be afraid to show piercings or tattoos or worry I'll be treated unfairly at my job because of who I'm dating. Not a lot to ask right? lol, It is a lot....but I don't think that means its too much. And some day, some glorious day I'll have my feet in the mud and my head under the sun and I'll start building my dream home. A love home, full of mistakes and things that work better than they look...a home that some people wont get (I've found that some kinds of love is like that too)...a home that doesn't hurt anyone or take away from other creatures...a love home :]

Alright...I have no plans...we'll see what this world brings next.
-Nicole
xoxo

drift...